February Goal Review & March Goals

My focus in February was FRIENDS, and I’m pleased to say that I feel as if I made a great deal of progress.

• Reconnect with an old friend COMPLETE: Towards the beginning of the month I had coffee and a long chat with a dear friend from college that had slipped away. We haven’t gotten together again as she has been busy studying for a professional exam, but I feel as if Megan and I will continue connecting on a regular basis, which makes me happy.
• Make a new friend COMPLETE: As I mentioned, I bit the bullet and met a new friend out for drinks at a Saturday night. This included walking into a bar alone (very scary). We really connected, and have continued texting and chatting. We even met up at a comedy club this past Friday. I think Alex and I will continue to become friends!
• Plan a girls night with college girls COMPLETE: Had an amazing girls-night-in game-night with my faithful friends. We drank wine, ate inappropriate amounts of sugar, reminisced, and laughed a lot. Gosh, I love this group of friends. They are truly the treasures in my life.
• Send two peices of snail mail COMPLETE: Sent cards to my friends Gina and Jen who have both recently achieved professional accomplishments. Also sent a just-because card to Anne because I miss her.
• Call Anne twice COMPLETE: I am sometimes bad about the phone but I have chatted with Anne at least twice this month. Our phone calls warm up my heart like crazy.
• Skype with Chrissy twice INCOMPLETE: We did talk on the phone once, but unfortunately we did not Skype at all. Phone calls are nearly as good as Skype (without the awkward pauses that sometimes occur when Skype freezes) but unfortunately Chrissy and I only chatted once this month. We have, however, continued our near-daily emails! She is such a wonderful friend and I hope we can chat a bit more in March!
• Have a heart to heart with Amanda & Lauren INCOMPLETE: I am a pussy and I also hate drama. There is definitely lots of weirdness happening in our friendship but I also don’t want a blow out. Basically, I have tried to make peace with the situation as it is. I refuse to chase people and I refuse to force someone to hang out with me. If they’d like to hang out with me, I have made my availability known multiple times. I am tired of sending out unanswered emails and texts, and I have discontinued doing this. If they’d like to see me, I would love to get together with them, but they are going to have to contact me. Otherwise, our friendship will just slowly fade away, which I have also made peace with.
• Plan a girls trip for the spring COMPLETE: This might have been the most exciting goal to work on. Jen and I are going for a long weekend in Miami in April. I am so flipping excited!

My focus for March is mindfulness. Sometimes I feel as if I’m just drifting through life and letting things happen to me instead of making things happen.  In March I want to work on living in the moment, being aware of my actions, and practicing gratitude and cultivating an attitude of calmness.

• Make morning meditation a daily practice
• Attend twenty yoga classes
• Track food intake for the entire month
• Set three MIT’s (Most Important Tasks) daily and complete them

Afraid to Fail, January Review, and February Goals

I know I am not a perfect blogger and that makes me stay away from this space.

I have these big expectations in my head about how I should act if I start blogging again. Self-induced pressure to do something the right way or not do it at all.  But a tendency of mine is letting the perfect be the enemy of the good, and that is something I need to continue fighting off because it tends to hold me back.  I have been scared to write here because I don’t know how to be the blogger I want to be, and it’s easier to not be a blogger at all.

So here I am in February showing my cards. I am not going to become a perfect blogger. I’m not going to gain a following and inspire people and create an extra income stream and blow the world away with my words.

But I’m going to try to show up here, anyways. Because I enjoy writing and because I want to chronicle my life.

There are some good things happening in this little world of mine, and I want to keep track of it here.

I decided to create my own sort of happiness project and have a different “focus” each month this year as I try to improve on various aspects of my life. The focus of January was fitness, and I have to say I blew myself away.  I logged 29 workouts in January (that’s only 2 total rest days the whole month). I signed up for Tina Reale’s Best Body Bootcamp and I have stayed committed and motivated, consistently meeting my personal weekly goals and pushing myself pretty hard through the weekly workouts. I spun, ran, kickboxed, yoga-ed, weight lifted, kettlebelled, and rowed in January. I developed some wonderful habits like planning my workouts for the week on Sunday nights and writing them into my planner like appointments. I tried some new classes, thought about which type of workouts suit me best, and pushed myself through some classes that I really didn’t feel like doing.

In four weeks, I have really improved on my physical fitness. Unfortunately, the results are not showing in my measurements right now. In fact, I have gained a pound (though I am convinced it’s muscle), only lost 1/2″ off my waist, and gained 1/2″ in my butt and thighs. Not exactly the results I had in mind. However, it’s the results of the four week fitness test that make me insanely proud. In four weeks, I shaved 2:03 off my mile pace.  I also was able to add 20 seconds to my wall sit hold, and 26 seconds to my plank hold.  In my one minute push-up test I added six reps, and in the one minute burpee test I added two reps. Those results are not something to sneeze at. I worked hard for those increases, and I’m proud of myself. It definitely takes some of the sting out of not losing weight and gaining inches on butt and thighs (UGH). I need to take the advice that I would give to a friend in this situation – I would say weight loss takes time and building muscle is so much more important; don’t focus on the scale, focus on how you feel. Sometimes easier said than done, but I’m trying to smile and keep pushing through.

Let’s talk about February! My focus in February is friends! I have struggled with female relationships and part of the reason is because I don’t always show up 100% for my friends, a habit I am determined to put to rest for good. When I don’t feel close with my girlfriends, it feels like a big part of my life and my happiness is missing. Some of my specific goals are:

• Reconnect with an old friend
• Make a new friend
• Plan a girls night with college girls
• Send two peices of snail mail
• Call Anne twice
• Skype with Chrissy twice
• Have a heart to heart with Amanda & Lauren
• Plan a girls trip for the spring

February is a dreary month, so focusing on having fun with my friends seems like a great way to beat the winter blahs!

Heavy Head

Last night I found a 2009 journal and read it cover to cover and it made me feel very sad.  You see – I was so SAD and disappointed in myself and it was all about losing weight and being fat and counting calories and it made me think… omg I haven’t really changed at all. Sure, in ways I have changed and grown, but at the end of the day I have never been fully happy with myself and what a waste of life that is. What a waste, year after year, wanting to be someone else. Every year disappointed, every year the same thing.

So I decided I’m done. I changed lots of my 2013 goals. I don’t want to lose 10 lbs for the wedding anymore. I want to start eating intentionally and intuitively and view food and fuel and feel the way different foods affect me and choose foods based on how I want to feel. Instead of having a rigid workout schedule I have vowed to move my body 30 mins a day 5 days a week doing things that give me endorphins and make me feel happy.

My whole life, I have been a person whose mind works like this: “When X happens, then I will finally feel Y” and Y usually = happy. X changes depending on the circumstances or what waits for me around the corner.  But I’m sick of putting off my happiness. I am in control and I need to start making it happen NOW.

Well, not now, because today I will feel sad because it’s what is there in my soul, but I won’t let it ruin my day, I won’t let it bring me to tears. I will feel it and acknowledge it and move on. I will try to do things that make me smile, like drink hot chocolate and go to a 5:30pm gym class that I love and send an email to my girlfriend across the country.

Reading my own journals and hearing the sadness from my mini-me perspective is so heartbreaking to me. I can’t decide whether I want to burn or save the journals that chronicle the pain. I can trace it all back to the starting point of sadness… I can remember when I was confident and naive, and then the moment that changed it all at thirteen… the entire middle school finding out and mocking me…. begging my parents to send me to a private high school because I couldn’t stand the humility of my reputation… going to high school falling into numerous rotten relationships with potheads and emotional abusers… tears and tears and feeling unworthy of real love… thinking suicidal thoughts… dating (for three years) one supreme loser towards end of high school/early college and losing the majority of my high school friends and not “allowed” to make new friends at college… developing severe eating disordered tendencies in order to be able to control something when everything else felt like it was collapsing… dumping aforementioned loser…. meeting Keith (cue violin)… bouncing between anorexia and bulimia and losing and regaining thirty pounds… finally feeling happiness and love and fullness but feeling confused because of so many open wounds. That is where we are now.

There are so many happy things right now: I’m engaged to my absolute soulmate (he is not perfect by any means, but he is perfect for me), my relationship with my parents is improving by the day, I have two really great girlfriends and a handful of other friends, I’m finally getting a handle on my money situation finally and not worried about paying bills at the end of each month, I’m a mere five months from completing graduate school, and I possess an intense drive to appreciate life as it is and feel more fulfilled/happy.

Even though I *DO* certainly have regrets from my past, I also believe that every thread of my life quilt has made me who I am. And I am more compassionate/caring for others because of what I went through.

2012 Closing Ceremony

To sum up 2012 in one word, I would say it was transformational. This year had some very tough parts, but was also filled with a lot of smiles, love, and personal growth.

The first six months of the year was filled with an inner sense of emptiness and sadness. The love of my life proposed to me in late December 2011, and unfortunately my family was not extremely supportive of or happy about my engagement. This was extremely taxing on my soul since I was elated to be engaged to my best friend yet I felt such distance and separation from my parents at this time. Eventually things got better: it was a slow process but now 12 months later everything looks and feels so much different. I wish I could change a lot of the circumstances, namely my dishonesty with my parents. I have made a lot of mistakes over the years, especially when it comes to the way I treat my parents. I have not given them the love or respect that they deserve, and I have not done my part to build their trust. Recently, this has all hit me in the face, and instead of being defensive and putting the blame on them, I am remorseful and seek their forgiveness. I wish there was a way I could take back all the years of hurt that I have caused them, but all I can do now is move forward and choose to treat them with love and respect from now on.  I feel like our relationship has begun to heal.

I struggled with female friendships. I crave close friendships with other women, but I have trouble feeling comfortable with other people sometimes. I let distance come into friendships, and then when distance happened, instead of trying to fix it, I pulled away more. I was not a good friend at times, feeling jealousy instead of happiness when great things happened to friends. I did not mean to react in this way and I regret it, but I assume this is where some of the distance was created. Additionally, sometimes I am very antisocial and would rather stay home and read than go out and see friends. This has held me back.

I struggled a lot with the way things ended at the bank – it was embarrassing more than anything. I regret the way that things happened. I like my new job but it’s very unstructured and I have become a little bit lazy and have trouble concentrating and prioritizing, which makes me feel guilty. I struggled with whether or not to continue pursuing my MBA because it’s so expensive. I decided to keep going. I will finish it in May 2013.

I paid of $9,000 in consumer debt but I still have an overwhelming balance on my student loans.

I nagged K too much and didn’t allow him to be himself at times.

I shed too many tears and let myself be paralyzed by crippling anxiety quite often. I watched too much TV and didn’t read or write enough. I have not been able to get my eating habits under control and I continue to struggle with binge eating disorder. I have low self-esteem and low self-confidence. These things hold me back.

Despite this list of struggles, I grew into a more beautiful person inside. I learned that change can be a good thing (even if it doesn’t feel like it right away). Challenging situations will not make me crumble, I can turn inward and find strength inside myself.  I have learned how deeply my family loves me and we have bonded in ways I wasn’t sure we ever would. I learned that K and I can go through hard scary times and come out stronger and closer than ever before. I grew closer to God and learned to turn to him to help me manage my fear, anxiety, or sadness.

I transformed my financial habits. My whole attitude towards money and spending has changed. I am no longer carrying any consumer debt and I built a small savings account for myself. My net worth is 200% higher than it was in December 2011. I realize the value of $1. I no longer feel like a serial consumerist. I have begun to live below my means.

One of the things that makes me happiest is that I can now say I feel close with my mom. I haven’t felt this way since the age of 10. I feel like she likes me and is proud of me. She has grown this year too. She has been kind to Keith in the past 6  months and I feel as if she finally accepts him.

2012 led me to a new job in a new industry that I might not have taken if I hadn’t had a push to leave the bank. I am so much happier now. Despite a large paycut, the upwards potential in the future is great, and I am confident that I have what it takes to succeed. A small business environment is much more suitable for my personality, and I no longer feel depressed and empty on Sunday nights (because I do not dread the week ahead any longer).

Despite all of the changes that happened, I stuck with a fairly consistent exercise schedule throughout the entire year. It is a natural mood enhancer for me and helps to keep me balanced. Exercise is now a part of my daily routine.

Travel continued to be a priority in my life. I traveled to London, Paris, and Brussels for 2 weeks with one of my closest girlfriends. Then I went to Ireland for 2 weeks with K and some of our friends.

I read some amazing books. I participated in succession planning for the family business. I tried to keep my brain active and engaged in my MBA studies.

I have worked on practicing gratitude and optimism. We can’t choose what happens to us but we CAN choose how we react to it. This is an area that is a work in progress for me, but when I have been able to practice optimism I can see what an amazing effect it has on my soul. We can create our own peace.

2012: thank you for the lows, for they have truly made me appreciate the highs. Recently I have been filled with an inner sense of peace, joy, appreciation, and optimism.  I am hopeful for what the upcoming year holds in store for me.

101 things to do in 2013

1. Let K be K
2. Keep marriage preparation low-stress for mom and dad, K, and the wedding party
3. Marry my best friend and embody a state of calmness on the weeks leading up to and the day of our wedding – remember that it is just one day and the details of the wedding do not matter, what’s crucial is our marriage
4. Have 12 fancy date nights (once a month)
5. (Edited – yes, I made a sex goal)
6. Sit at table for dinner at least twice a week, instead of eating on the couch watching TV
7. Find a new show to watch together (ideas: Breaking Bad, Mad Men)
8. Meet with a financial planner as a couple to set goals for the future and work out a manageable budget
9. Create a weekly chore system so one of us is not feeling overburdened
10. Call mom or dad at least three times a week
11. Spend “nonrequired” time with cousins, especially G & I
12. Put all family birthdays on calendar
13. Write cards to mom, dad, and grandparents for birthdays & send in the mail
14. On cousin birthdays email or make a phone call to say hello
15. Have a sleepover with my mom
16. Randomly visit my mom’s parents on the weekend
17. Go out to dinner with my grandma K
18. Call Anne every other week
19. Call Chrissy every other week
20. Visit Anne in Baltimore
21. Visit Chrissy in San Diego
22. Set monthly date with college group of friends – reinstate monthly brunch club?
23. Put all friends birthdays in calendar
24. Call each friend on their birthday
25. Find a new group of girlfriends in Buffalo
26. Spin with Amanda once a week
27. Host a girls night
28. Have a girls sleepover
29. Reduce usage of profanity, especially the horribly unattractive F word
30. Wear seatbelt while driving
31. Wear glasses while driving
32. Establish regular morning routine
33. Establish regular evening routine
34. Use Sunday for cooking/meal-planning for the week
35. Read 36 books (3/month)
36. Finish MBA and graduate with at least a 3.80 GPA
37. Listen to books on tape while commuting to/from work
38. Monthly check-ins to check progress on goals
39. Earn $50K in 2013
40. Pay off $10,000 on my student loans (ending balance of $10,000 at end of year)
41. Open a first time homebuyer account and contribute monthly
42. Build savings account to $5,000
43. Remain credit card debt free
44. Continue selling unused items on ebay
45. Continue keeping budget spreadsheet and update weekly
46. Consolidate old 401k into new one
47. Shop seasonally (4x/year) except for special occasions
48. Continue to seek quality over quantity while shopping
49. Begin journaling on a regular basis
50. Begin writing a novel
51. Take more photographs and print/display them
52. Keep 2013 binder and continue to plan the year and reflect on it regularly
53. Instate “switch off Sunday” – do not use email and use phone sparingly (calls/texts are ok, checking FB and Instagram incessantly are not ok)
54. Take an art class
55. Read all the books in my “to read” pile (bookshelf and kindle)
56. Change tattoo into something more meaningful
57. Schedule a Natalie retreat weekend
58. Write a book proposal
59. Create a vision board
60. Smile at strangers
61. Be better at initiating conversation with others
62. Talk less about myself
63. Ask more questions and listen to the answers
64. Shop at local/independently owned businesses when possible
65. Get a bicycle and ride it around in the spring, summer, and fall
66. Give more hugs
67. Plan long weekend in fingerlakes with K
68. Go to a concert
69. Spend a weekend in Toronto
70. Spend a weekend in New York City
71. Plan a mini-honeymoon for the long weekend after the wedding
72. Go to church at least 36 times (3x/month)
73. Pray at night before bed
74. Say positive affirmations and practice gratitude in the morning before getting up
75. Practice visualization of success
76. Get a manicure every other week
77. Stop biting and picking at nails
78. Get flexible enough to touch toes
79. Drink more tea and less coffee
80. Floss every day
81. Get six pedicures (every other month)
82. Continue to work out at least 5x/week
83. Eat more greens
84. Drink more water
85. Count calls consistently on MFP for 1 month
86. Walk more, drive less
87. Participate in the 2013 Turkey Trot (8K)
88. Reduce consumption of bread, crackers, and other gluten-products, and cheese and other dairy products
89. Straighten hair 3x/wk or less
90. Find a foundation that fits my skin type and coloring and does not cause me to break out
91. Investigate root causes of acne & eczema
92. Try out new hair do’s
93. Practice yoga 52 times (once a week)
94. Appreciate rest and vitality: Stick to a 10pm bed time on weeknights
95. Learn SEO and SEM
96. Begin a blog or website
97. Each month have 2 candidates who make it to interview status
98. Leave my desk at lunch every day
99. Practice “inbox to 0” on Friday afternoon
100. Continue involvement in G4 Task Force
101. In Q3/Q4 2013, begin building up new business and networking in order to successfully switch job title to recruiter in January 2014