Heavy Head

Last night I found a 2009 journal and read it cover to cover and it made me feel very sad.  You see – I was so SAD and disappointed in myself and it was all about losing weight and being fat and counting calories and it made me think… omg I haven’t really changed at all. Sure, in ways I have changed and grown, but at the end of the day I have never been fully happy with myself and what a waste of life that is. What a waste, year after year, wanting to be someone else. Every year disappointed, every year the same thing.

So I decided I’m done. I changed lots of my 2013 goals. I don’t want to lose 10 lbs for the wedding anymore. I want to start eating intentionally and intuitively and view food and fuel and feel the way different foods affect me and choose foods based on how I want to feel. Instead of having a rigid workout schedule I have vowed to move my body 30 mins a day 5 days a week doing things that give me endorphins and make me feel happy.

My whole life, I have been a person whose mind works like this: “When X happens, then I will finally feel Y” and Y usually = happy. X changes depending on the circumstances or what waits for me around the corner.  But I’m sick of putting off my happiness. I am in control and I need to start making it happen NOW.

Well, not now, because today I will feel sad because it’s what is there in my soul, but I won’t let it ruin my day, I won’t let it bring me to tears. I will feel it and acknowledge it and move on. I will try to do things that make me smile, like drink hot chocolate and go to a 5:30pm gym class that I love and send an email to my girlfriend across the country.

Reading my own journals and hearing the sadness from my mini-me perspective is so heartbreaking to me. I can’t decide whether I want to burn or save the journals that chronicle the pain. I can trace it all back to the starting point of sadness… I can remember when I was confident and naive, and then the moment that changed it all at thirteen… the entire middle school finding out and mocking me…. begging my parents to send me to a private high school because I couldn’t stand the humility of my reputation… going to high school falling into numerous rotten relationships with potheads and emotional abusers… tears and tears and feeling unworthy of real love… thinking suicidal thoughts… dating (for three years) one supreme loser towards end of high school/early college and losing the majority of my high school friends and not “allowed” to make new friends at college… developing severe eating disordered tendencies in order to be able to control something when everything else felt like it was collapsing… dumping aforementioned loser…. meeting Keith (cue violin)… bouncing between anorexia and bulimia and losing and regaining thirty pounds… finally feeling happiness and love and fullness but feeling confused because of so many open wounds. That is where we are now.

There are so many happy things right now: I’m engaged to my absolute soulmate (he is not perfect by any means, but he is perfect for me), my relationship with my parents is improving by the day, I have two really great girlfriends and a handful of other friends, I’m finally getting a handle on my money situation finally and not worried about paying bills at the end of each month, I’m a mere five months from completing graduate school, and I possess an intense drive to appreciate life as it is and feel more fulfilled/happy.

Even though I *DO* certainly have regrets from my past, I also believe that every thread of my life quilt has made me who I am. And I am more compassionate/caring for others because of what I went through.

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